A Creative Nonfiction Essay Excerpt
RECIPE FOR A FAILED DATING LIFE
Recipe for A Failed Dating Life
Prep Time: 25 Years Cooking Time: Indefinite
Yield: One Sad, Lonely Existence Level: Intermediate
Ingredients:
Special Equipment:
The audacity to accept that you are a hot mess, and thus, will die alone.
Directions:
1. To begin this recipe, enter the dating scene with a crippling fear of rejection. The thought of asking someone out on a date and being turned down should scare you more than your other fears: falling from a great height, balloons (globophobia is a real disorder), drowning, brain cancer, needles, going blind, and dying alone. This fear should make it difficult to approach potential dating partners. Your fear of dying alone should make this emotion conflicting for you. Panic accordingly.
2. Throw in lots of jokes on your first date. If someone does not like your unique sense of humor, which is riddled with sarcasm, curse words, and obscure pop culture references, YOU are the problem. You should anticipate the fact that everyone is going to hate you and misunderstand you. This anticipation should make you feel insecure. Feeling extremely un-datable should combine nicely with the panic induced by your crippling fear of rejection. *
*By this step, you should be feeling almost completely discouraged. If you aren’t discouraged, remind yourself of that time you tripped while exiting a restaurant and immediately exclaimed, “Oh, shit! Trying to turn myself into Hellen Keller over here,” trying to diffuse your clumsiness. While your date just looked at you with disgust.
3. Sprinkle some delusion into the hot mess that you have been concocting. Even though you are clearly hopeless when it comes to finding someone to date, you should allow yourself to believe that there is a soulmate out in the universe for you. Just one. There is only a singular person who is compatible with you out of the 7+ billion humans who currently inhabit the planet. This delusion should make you extremely meticulous when choosing potential dating partners. If you do not get butterflies instantly upon meeting your potential dating partner, leave. If you aren’t nauseous, leave. Remember, step one and two can lead to nausea. Make sure you can distinguish the difference between anxiety induced stomach discomfort, and soulmate sickness. *
*(See the recipe for Panic Attack on page 12 to find out how to induce anxious stomach discomfort.) . . .
Prep Time: 25 Years Cooking Time: Indefinite
Yield: One Sad, Lonely Existence Level: Intermediate
Ingredients:
- A Hearty Dose of a Crippling Fear of Rejection
- 25 Years’ Worth of Insecurity
- A Sprinkle of Delusion
- ½ of Your Body Weight Inferiority Complex
- ¼ of Your Body Weight Superiority Complex
- Unreasonably High Expectations
- Drops of Desperation
- An Unhealthy Amount of Passive Aggressive Tendencies
- A Pinch of Pettiness
- Heaps of Resentment *
Special Equipment:
The audacity to accept that you are a hot mess, and thus, will die alone.
Directions:
1. To begin this recipe, enter the dating scene with a crippling fear of rejection. The thought of asking someone out on a date and being turned down should scare you more than your other fears: falling from a great height, balloons (globophobia is a real disorder), drowning, brain cancer, needles, going blind, and dying alone. This fear should make it difficult to approach potential dating partners. Your fear of dying alone should make this emotion conflicting for you. Panic accordingly.
2. Throw in lots of jokes on your first date. If someone does not like your unique sense of humor, which is riddled with sarcasm, curse words, and obscure pop culture references, YOU are the problem. You should anticipate the fact that everyone is going to hate you and misunderstand you. This anticipation should make you feel insecure. Feeling extremely un-datable should combine nicely with the panic induced by your crippling fear of rejection. *
*By this step, you should be feeling almost completely discouraged. If you aren’t discouraged, remind yourself of that time you tripped while exiting a restaurant and immediately exclaimed, “Oh, shit! Trying to turn myself into Hellen Keller over here,” trying to diffuse your clumsiness. While your date just looked at you with disgust.
3. Sprinkle some delusion into the hot mess that you have been concocting. Even though you are clearly hopeless when it comes to finding someone to date, you should allow yourself to believe that there is a soulmate out in the universe for you. Just one. There is only a singular person who is compatible with you out of the 7+ billion humans who currently inhabit the planet. This delusion should make you extremely meticulous when choosing potential dating partners. If you do not get butterflies instantly upon meeting your potential dating partner, leave. If you aren’t nauseous, leave. Remember, step one and two can lead to nausea. Make sure you can distinguish the difference between anxiety induced stomach discomfort, and soulmate sickness. *
*(See the recipe for Panic Attack on page 12 to find out how to induce anxious stomach discomfort.) . . .